When someone dies from suicide, friends and family members are often left with unanswered questions and sometimes a sense of responsibility; along with their grief. I recently saw a Facebook post about Robin Williams, Kate Spade, and Anthony Bourdain with quotes about how happy each person appeared to be. The call to action was “sometimes you need to check on those who seem the strongest.” I understand the good intention of the author to prevent suicide. However, I was left feeling that this meme was unfairly blaming friends and family for a person’s death from suicide.
Often a clinically depressed person will hide the depths of their despair from everyone, especially close friends and family. The individual does not want anyone to know how dark they feel inside. A person may even be in treatment and still hiding the full extent of their depression. In psychology there is a term for these clients who “present well.” They appear to be doing better on the surface than the hidden, true picture of their emotional state. A suicidal person can appear to be the life of the party, the funniest person in the room. And even if you “check on them” you may not be able to glean the truth about someone’s depression.
In novels or television shows/movies a suicidal person is often rescued – by a neighbor or a new friend. In reality, that last minute rescue does not always occur. Currently there is a refreshingly different program, the television series A Million Little Things. This story begins with a suicide that is a shock to family and friends, and the series shows the aftermath of the event.
At one point in my marriage, my husband told me that he had been suicidal every day for the previous four years. I was stunned. He was my soulmate and best friend. I knew him better than anyone else. He had been seeing both a psychologist and a psychiatrist to treat anxiety and depression for more than a year, but none of us knew he was suicidal. He didn’t want anyone to know.
I hope that as a society we can continue to end the stigma that comes from revealing mental health struggles. I hope that someday showing vulnerability will be seen as a strength instead of a weakness. Maybe a more supportive cultural environment will help stop depression from being hidden out of feelings of shame.
Sadly, sometimes a person dies from suicide and there is no explanation; no warning signs. Family, friends, co-workers reel from the surprise. And perhaps there is nothing that anyone could have done differently. I think it is natural for loved ones to feel a sense of responsibility along with their grief. But I hope that those loved ones left behind, the survivors of suicide, understand that they are NOT responsible. Each person is responsible for their own journey.